Valentine's Day Menu
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Misinterpretted history of Valentine's Day
Ancient Times: The beginnings of the holiday started with a dissident tribe of
pagans, later identified as a band of Republican Presidential Candidates. At that time Hallmark
cards were not able to use the modern techniques of printing such as inkjets and
lasers. Instead the company used the blood of goats of dogs as primitive forms of
ink. To keep the locals unsuspicious of their capitalistic exploitation of the
holiday they presented the dead animals as a sacrifice to Lupercalia. Also the
origins of dominatrix and sadomasochism are seen at this time when young men
would use the hides to whip the infertile women of the town asking them "Who's
yo' daddy?"
Christianity: Now, let the pagans have their uncivilized fun and festivals, and
who has to come along and ruin it? First, it was PETA blowing the whistle on
animal cruelty. Then it was the early Roman Catholic Church, who was jealous
that the most exciting holiday on their calendar was forty days of giving
something up. So, they adopted the holiday to have wild parties. They gave the
holiday the new name of St. Valentine's Day. Saint Valentint performed secret marriages
and was known in certain Bishops' circles as a master of Kama Sutra. Later, he
was sentenced to death for some oppressive reason. Before his death he sent his
lover a WallMart Dilbert Card ($2.85) signed "Your Valentine."
Medieval: In medieval Europe, the people believed that the 14th of February was
the day that birds selected their mates. Hence the term "lovebirds." Wow, they
sure were clever. They couldn't figure out how to cook meat, but they had
time to think up witty phrases like, lovebirds. The first card was officially sent at
this time, a Hallmark fold out, ($3.50) from a prisoner in France. The card was
actually a cryptic message plotting his escape. Unfortunately, the wife was
flattered by the message of love and ignored the plan. Later her husband was
beheaded.
Victorian: Everything was mass-produced, and materialism killed the spirit of the
holiday. Oh the joys of the Industrial Revolution. It turned the world into faceless
masses, inspiring Ayn Rand novels, and in turn inspiring lots of college kids not
to pursue a major in English.
Modern: Today children and lovers celebrate the holiday together. Children give
candy hearts either for the sugar high or a peck on the cheek behind Mrs.
Weidlemeyer's classroom. On the other hand, lovers exchange chocolate hearts.
They become disillusioned, thinking that on that night, instead of performing the
act of sex, they will delve into the art of making love. Lovers fill every restaurant in
town, leaving singles to make reservations even at the drive-thru line at
McDonalds.
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